photographer | filmmaker

Added on by Vinoth Varatharajan.

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Recently, I've been interacting with a lot of shadows in my personal life. Things are there but for some reason I can't seem to hold on to the moment. It's simply unfair for those who cares about me deeply as I'm not able to enjoy a simple moment of joy with them. Hell, I can't even enjoy a moment for myself if it has no visuals attached to it. I'm simply not present in the reality. Instead, I'm sleeping around and having fun in the paradox.

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Every minute I spend doing what I love, I lose sixty seconds of my presence with those whom I'm in love with. I'm also in a state of creative poverty. I used to blame on that for a while and play the victim role. And of course, the custody battle of my daughter is like the cherry on a sundae.

Until, a week ago. I was thinking about all of the above sitting on a park bench. Just me, the bench and nature. After a good hour of just breathing air and staring into my eye floaters - not sure where it came from but I realized right there and then that I needed to do something. Something I should have done a long time ago. In fact, I should have done that whenever I felt like it. I know my ego is strong enough in order for me to ground myself. I rushed home and opened the door and my mom was sitting on the couch with the ipad on her laps.

As soon as she made eye contact with me and once again I'm not sure where it came from - I started to cry like a newborn's first exchange with oxygen. I'm a 31 year old guy weeping on his mother's laps. I thought about everything while crying. The shitty relationship of my past, the manipulation of l[ie]awyers, the custody battle, the uncooperative mother of my child, the parental alienation of my child, the creative poverty, abandonment by my father, cutting off a very good, loving, warm and genuinely caring relationship and the list goes on.

I think with everything that is happening in my life I forgot to breathe a little. Most importantly, I think it's the involuntary pressure attached to the transition stage of becoming a man.

Does this mean that I'm cured and I'm now able to live and savor the moment? Absolutely not. But, I'm very glad that I've discovered another better and stronger version of myself.  It's at a pre-alpha stage.

This simply means that I came to a self-awareness stage to realize that I'm done blaming on a court date to move on with whatever I was stuck with. I'm done crying that I'm in creative poverty and blame it on my lawyer fees or child support has to be paid. This means I blame everything on myself. This means instead of creating a story in my head that will steer me towards positivity, I was aiming more towards the negativity.

This also means, I have to start disciplining myself in the paradoxical world which will help me to breakeven sixty seconds to appreciate those who cares about me for a minute in reality. If not I'll be the perfect example of the line - 'I know nobody to blame, Kurt Cobain, I did it to myself.'

Scanned with Ilford 3200 ISO film negative. Graded with Colorista ll.

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